Down and Going...

My wife gave me this blog for Christmas (sorry, ladies...S. Frank is taken), thinking that I might have something worth contributing to the world besides empty beer bottles for recycling day. So, you all can blame her for whatever follows.

Who am I? The title says it all...just another one of the countless, faceless mob of relatively young men, once up and coming, now sliding downhill on the fast-track to a rocking chair and catheter bag. That's all you need to know.

What will be the purpose of this blog? Will it inform? Not likely. Will it entertain? Probably not. How will it contribute to the world? No idea. Most blogs seem like ego trips where bored people talk about the minutiae of their boring lives, artificially inflating their importance and making them feel more special (at least to themselves).

My purpose for writing is more practical. You see, whatever memory I once had went up in smoke years ago, so this blog will serve as a supplement to whatever is left of my mind when I end up in that rocking chair. If you're still reading this, good luck.

This memory thing is a big deal. Just the other day, an intriguing theory as to the cause of my affliction popped up. Here's the story:

I've been combating an outbreak of mold in my office for months. For once, my slovenly personal habits were not the cause of the problem. Way back in July on a 90 degree humid morning, we bought a massive, ancient desk from a friend's estate sale for $90. We blasted the thing with a garden hose and wiped it down with all sorts of chemicals, then a strong friend and I hefted it up three flights of stairs to my office. Let me tell you, this thing was bulky and weighed a ton. Getting it upstairs was a tough job, but we pulled it off.

Almost immediately, my wife started sneezing. Closer scrutiny revealed something we had missed earlier: the desk was infested with mold.

My wife is very allergic to mold, so I sprang into action. I immediately quarrentined the office by closing the door, then went to work on a battle plan. Several weeks later, I attacked the mold with three heavy rounds of Lysol. No dice. I went back to the drawing board, and several weeks later, decided to try to remove the desk solo. This didn't work too well. In hindsight, I should have remembered that two strong guys had trouble bringing the desk inside, but as I mentioned, my memory isn't so hot, and my plan to remove the desk by myself seemed solid.

I loaded the desk onto a flimsy luggage dolly and managed to maneuver it out of the office. Just as I began to descend the stairs, the dolly broke under the strain. The desk fell down a step or two and ended up wedged in the stairwell.

Brute force prevailed that day. I pushed and pulled and shoved until the desk was back in the office. We were at square one again (as long as you ignored the new gouges in both the desk and the stairwell walls).

My wife posted the desk on Craig's List. We were willing to give it away for free just to get rid of it, but the gouges and mold failed to attract any takers.

Exhaused, we decided that the desk was a lost cause. Eventually, we called "1-888-Junk-Out", and a crew of burly guys led by a Russian named Serge agreed to remove the desk for $90. Serge literally tore the desk apart with his bare hands and his crew carried the pieces away. I witnessed the destruction with glee.

Since then, the office has been a wasteland. The mold has contaminated the room. I have been bombing the room with bleach, disinfectants, and various chemicals for months.

The other day, my wife told me an interesting tidbit: Chlorox wipes are ammonia based. Hmm...My two chief weapons in the war against the mold have been a jug of Chlorox and a can of Chlorox wipes. Bleach and ammonia.

In case you haven't heard, it's a bad idea to mix bleach and ammonia because the combination creates deadly toxic fumes.

I know what you're thinking: Perhaps these deadly toxic fumes have been contributing to the decline in S. Frank's memory? That's exactly what I was thinking.

I researched the subject online and discovered that Chlorox wipes contain ammonium chlorides as their primary active ingredients. In addition, I stumbled upon the Chlorox home page and was introduced to the renowned "Dr. Laundry." This kind gentleman offers all kinds of stain removal tips, and even has a Holiday Stain Tip Hotline: 1-888-STAIN-411. Call if you ever need to know how to remove cranberry stains, eggnog spills, gravy splotches, etc. Dr. Laundry will detail specific procedures for the removal of all of the "Stars of the Holiday Stain Line-Up."

Beyond this information, my online research quickly devolved into Chemisty 101 that I no longer remember due to my memory affliction. The conclusion: inconclusive.

Next week I'll tell you all about the time I paid my bills and forgot to put stamps on the envelopes...